Travelling through a high-risk pregnancy causes you to hold your breathe the whole time, unable to exhale.
I tried to still my racing heart as I heard the gentle voice of a specialist I had just met, instruct me to be on the watch for early labour. I was sitting on a hospital bed with my pregnant belly showing as she leaned over to speak these words to me. Her face was so caring. I thought she might hug me. Or maybe it was in that moment, I just needed one.
I mustered up any courage I could find and asked at what point I would need to be watching for these signs of early labour. Any hope I had of stilling my racing heart jumped out of the hospital window as she told me to be on the lookout immediately. This was my 20 week appointment.
Fear and anxiety filled my heart. My husband quietly drove us home. The silence only allowed more room for my fear and anxiety to settle in and make itself at home.
This child inside of me, I had prayed so long for them to arrive. My husband and I had traveled the road of infertility for nearly three years until we saw the beauty of a positive pregnancy test. We kept the joy of this secret inside of me until 13 weeks. We had chatted for 20 weeks every night before bed about how excited we were that our family was extending from 2 to 3.
The reason for the concern of pre-term labour, is I have a bi-cornuate uterus. Simply, this means my uterus is in the shape of a heart instead of a pear. It restricts the uterus to stretch as much as it needs to carry a baby to full term and it is closely linked to cervical incompetence (when your cervix starts dilating before the baby is ready to come).
It was a hard pill to swallow that our child could arrive at any day. That maybe our child would not be strong enough for life if they arrived too early. Would we have to give up our dream of having children after finally getting this far?
My husband and I dealt with the news differently. He went to work and scoured the internet for medical journals and scientific facts to give us hope of a positive outcome. I took two days off work and cried and cried and cried.
We both ended up at the same place. To enjoy each moment. In over three years of trying to fall pregnant, this was the only success we had experienced. We chose to enjoy it. We could stress over all of the 'what-ifs' and worry ourselves sick, only to carry to full term and not have enjoyed the experience. Even if the worse case scenario did happen, we still chose to enjoy the whole experience. At this precise moment, we were pregnant. We did have a beautiful baby growing inside of me and we chose to celebrate and enjoy each and every moment.
At 32 weeks my body started to show signs of pre-term labour. It was rather surreal. In the middle of the night we traveled to the hospital to be checked. I was not the fear-filled woman who had sat on the hospital bed at 20 weeks. I still had this confidence that everything would settle down and we would be sent home. I felt like I was watching someone else go through it all.
As confident as my mind was, my body and my baby had other ideas and neither of them had plans of slowing down. Under professional care and much bed rest, my labour was slowed and once again we grew in confidence that our baby would not be arriving just yet.
However, at exactly 33 weeks, labour started again and my waters broke and nothing was going to stop it this time. After an emergency c-section, our darling, strong and ever so healthy son was born. 2.6kg (about 5lbs 11 oz) and 51 cms long. Nothing short of a miracle.
Travelling through a high-risk pregnancy causes you to hold your breathe the whole time, unable to exhale. You are put on a ride you didn't choose and there is no way to get off. There is so much you are no longer in control of.
Except your choice. You can control your choice. You can choose to hope. You can choose to believe. You can choose to put one foot in front of the other and take it a step at a time.
When my daughter started daycare, I spent a lot of time trying to find the right fit for her and our family. I did a lot of research and asked a lot of questions. Over and over again though, the answer to my question would come back the same, "she'll be fine."
I too experienced a high-risk pregnancy after 12 years of no success falling pregnat, and I could relate so strongly to this article. When you have waited so long for your miracle and it finally comes, it is terrifying to hear the term "high risk" for the first time.
I think it makes that amazing moment when you hear their first cry all that more amazing, because you're never quite sure you will get it.
You are correct; treasure each moment of the pregnancy because you never know if that's as far as you're going to get, but don't panic when you do have to go to hospital in the middle of the night and they're not yet viable (went through that), or when you're only 22 weeks along and you gush fluid and even the midwives think your water has broken... sometimes it is just that you've experienced incontinence for the first time.
Our miracle was born via C-Section at 38 weeks after a scary pregnancy, but I found that keeping a journal and writing to him through the pregnancy helped. He is six weeks old today and doing just fine.
I am so glad you got your miracle as well. Battling infertility and seeing negative test after negative test is soul-destroying, but it makes that magical moment oh so much sweeter.