Could I be both mum and dad to this tiny human who only had me to rely on?
When I found out I was pregnant, there was no doubt in my mind that I would be having my baby.
Abortion never entered my mind and giving up my baby for adoption wasn't an option. I knew almost immediately that I would be bringing up my child alone and the conversations that I had with his father in the months that followed confirmed this.
His father and I were never in a relationship, but we had been in each otherís lives through one way or another for about 6 years. His personal circumstance where complicated and finding out I was pregnant was not the joyous news that it had been for me.
My pregnancy was filled with excitement and anticipation. I made the choice to move from London back to my hometown of Glasgow when I began my maternity leave, to be close to family and friends for support. The financial implications of bringing up a baby alone became apparent very quickly as I started looking at everything I needed, but I bought as much as I could second-hand and didnít splurge on any items that I couldnít justify we needed.
I will never forget the moment my son was born and placed onto my chest. That feeling of overwhelming love and the promise I made that I would be enough for him and that I wouldnít allow the fact that he didnít have a father to define him.
As the early emotions crept in I remember questioning if Iíd done the right thing. Was I selfish to bring a baby into this world knowing that his father did not want to be a part of his life? Could I be both mum and dad to this tiny human who only had me to rely on? Would I be able to offer him the financial stability? I began to doubt myself and my decision to have this baby, but he was here and he needed me so I reached out for support and realised that I could do this.
I still to this day question if I did the right thing for me and for my son, but Iím lucky to have amazing people around me to lift me up on the days that I need it and to remind me that my son is happy, healthy, content and wants for nothing.
I know as he gets older that it will get harder as the questions surrounding his father begin, as he notices that he doesnít have a daddy like most of his friends, but I will have to deal with that when it happens.
My son was a very fussy baby. He only settled when he was being held, he didnít nap for very long during the day, he was very uncomfortable after a feed (more so in the evening) and he never slept through the night.