Could I be both mum and dad to this tiny human who only had me to rely on?
When I found out I was pregnant, there was no doubt in my mind that I would be having my baby.
Abortion never entered my mind and giving up my baby for adoption wasn't an option. I knew almost immediately that I would be bringing up my child alone and the conversations that I had with his father in the months that followed confirmed this.
His father and I were never in a relationship, but we had been in each otherís lives through one way or another for about 6 years. His personal circumstance where complicated and finding out I was pregnant was not the joyous news that it had been for me.
My pregnancy was filled with excitement and anticipation. I made the choice to move from London back to my hometown of Glasgow when I began my maternity leave, to be close to family and friends for support. The financial implications of bringing up a baby alone became apparent very quickly as I started looking at everything I needed, but I bought as much as I could second-hand and didnít splurge on any items that I couldnít justify we needed.
I will never forget the moment my son was born and placed onto my chest. That feeling of overwhelming love and the promise I made that I would be enough for him and that I wouldnít allow the fact that he didnít have a father to define him.
As the early emotions crept in I remember questioning if Iíd done the right thing. Was I selfish to bring a baby into this world knowing that his father did not want to be a part of his life? Could I be both mum and dad to this tiny human who only had me to rely on? Would I be able to offer him the financial stability? I began to doubt myself and my decision to have this baby, but he was here and he needed me so I reached out for support and realised that I could do this.
I still to this day question if I did the right thing for me and for my son, but Iím lucky to have amazing people around me to lift me up on the days that I need it and to remind me that my son is happy, healthy, content and wants for nothing.
I know as he gets older that it will get harder as the questions surrounding his father begin, as he notices that he doesnít have a daddy like most of his friends, but I will have to deal with that when it happens.
When my daughter started daycare, I spent a lot of time trying to find the right fit for her and our family. I did a lot of research and asked a lot of questions. Over and over again though, the answer to my question would come back the same, "she'll be fine."
I want hours upon hours of delicious sleep followed by hot cups of tea, reading my book and nothingness. But I'll have to get up now to comfort, feed, clean, dress, entertain, love, laugh, play, and repeat.